The toilet seat conspiracy

I’m not sure how most people are, but I know myself. If at all possible, I will avoid using public restroom facilities.  I try to hold it until I get home.  Who knows who might have sat there before me and what type of disgusting illness they might be sharing!  Therefore, if I do choose to use a public restroom, it is because the situation has become dire.

It was during one of these dire circumstances that I found myself one day at a public restroom.  When I finally made that choice, time was of the essence.  I did not want to be seen running to the facilities, so I walked as quickly as I could so as not to draw attention to myself.  Without delay, I scanned all the stalls and chose the cleanest one.  Next, I removed some toilet paper and wiped down the seat just in case.  So far, so good, even toilet seat covers were provided for our protection. This is, however, where things began to take a negative turn.

Swiftly and desperately, I yanked the toilet seat cover, only to discover that the force of my yank ripped it into unusable shreds.  This meant that I wasted precious moments and would have to make another attempt.  At this moment, life experience kicked in.  Life lessons of the past taught me that it is better to move slower and do the job right the first time, than to lose more time fixing it or redoing it over and over again.  Although I found myself in an emergency situation, this time I carefully removed the toilet seat cover.  I also took great care unfolding it in order to avoid any other possible problems.  Finally, the toilet seat cover was placed perfectly over the seat to assure maximum protection.  I began to feel a sense of euphoria knowing that soon catastrophe would be averted and a period of great relief would arrive. It was, nevertheless, just a fleeting hope, one that would leave me in despairing disillusionment.

You see the moment I made my move to take my seat, the automatic toilet flushed and the cover swirled into oblivion. Obviously there was only one conclusion I could reach. There must be some kind of evil toilet conspiracy! Conspiracy or no, I would not be defeated!

While suffering indescribable pain, the sweat rolling off my face, I regained a new found sense of determination. Once again I would attempt the process, only this time I would move with the swiftness of a gazelle at the moment of sitting in order to beat the evil flusher at its own crafty game. It was to no avail! Once again it proved faster than my limited human capabilities. Obviously this was by design!

Just like a volcano, an eruption was imminent. There was only one last chance to act, and even that chance was questionable. Time had run out. Once again I followed the process, only this time as it flushed; I firmly and defiantly held the seat cover down steadily with both my hands. Without even a millisecond to spare I was victorious!

I learned something from that event. When pushed to the limit, the human body is capable of exceeding expectations. It is wise to begin by holding the toilet seat cover down in the first place. Finally, with so many great scientists out there, someone should be able to invent a more efficient system.